Christmas Cheer; What's the deal, St.Nick?

T’was a year ago now, way yonder up north
When the big man in red gladly set forth
To deliver his gifts to all the good girls and boys
A sack full of gems, mixed in his big bag of toys
As we recall now I had a specific want then
It came in all colors and was not too hard to send

Yet when the day came to pass my gift was amiss
Conspicuously absent, amongst the stockpiled bliss
She was nowhere to be found, nowhere to be seen
This bombshell in satin with skin so serene
Naturally now I became slightly enraged
Had nothing become sacred in this day and age?
Had childhood saints in deep crimson tint
Become a mere sham like Superman and Clark Kent?
Were all promises empty, and all wishes for naught?
Or had this reindeer lovin’ fool just simply forgot?
Armed with inquisitions and a bourbon fed buzz
I called ol’ Chris Cringle to find the fiction from what was

‘Nick!’ I bellowed, ‘what in heck’s going on?
You said in ‘04 I could’ve had whatever I want!
‘TRK, my dear friend’, he said with a laugh,
‘Surely you know it was merely a gaff.
I set out last year with Melanie in the sleigh
Right by my side directing the way.
She yelled at ol’ Dasher and Dancer and Donner and Blitzen
And the way she handled that whip you could tell she was a vixen
She screamed and she hollered and wouldn’t let off
The poor bucks were dog tired and we’d just taken off
But a funny thing happened as we headed down south
I guess some of the reindeer couldn’t handle her mouth
And they bucked and they weaved and acted like hell,
I think Rudolph was for sure pissed for being called Tinkerbelle
Cause around North Dakota he nosedived straight down
Bringing my sleigh perpendicular to the white frozen ground!
Well thank goodness I’m fat, and was securely strapped in,
Melanie on the other hand got scooped out by the cold winter wind’
‘Wait’, I let out, ‘Are you telling me
That above high above Bismarck was a fallen Melanie?’
‘Oh no, don’t worry, she was strapped with a chute
And her head, being Playboy, was mostly air to boot.
Last I heard she had settled down quite nice
And was hosting a late show on South Dakota Spice.’
‘Uh, great, I guess, but that doesn’t settle the score.
I came out of last Christmas lacking the girl I asked for’
‘That is true, I can’t argue, you’ve got me on that
But really, based on your history you’d make that girl whacked’
‘Low blow, Herr Claus, don’t be a Saint Dick
Just tell me what I should do to fulfill this year’s gift list’
‘Start out Mr. K, by spreading some joy
To all the children around, and even their toys

And be thankful, by golly, for all that you’ve got
Great friends and great family and the first season of Lost
Remember those less lucky, and give them a big helping hand
Whether in Thailand, New Orleans or Pakistan
Or just around the corner, to the guy on the street
Maybe buy him a meal, help him get on his feet
So put a smile on your face and wrap it with cheer
Grab those that you love and all you hold dear
Squeeze ‘em real hard and look them in the eye
And Say “Merry Christmas, ya ol’ shit, and hears to 2005”’.
‘Got it Mr. Claus, good points you have made
Sometimes we forget that in our quest to get laid,
Or more money, or new clothes, or the greatest new thing
That all that you need is in your innermost ring.
So I’ll wish you a Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year as well
And when I see you next time may we party like ‘hell!
SOOOO Holla back all you fools and have a wonderful day
Ya’ll are my greatest gift of all, and I mean it...... from ol' TRK